The following list can be used to identify problems or potential problems.

PERSONAL / EMOTIONAL ISSUES

fear of intimacy - wounds from past relationships can be carried into present ones, making it difficult to desire intimacy and oneness. Men may fear intimacy because they think it's "weak" or unmanly.

childhood sexual abuse, molestation, rape - In order to dull the pain, fear and shame associated with a previous sexual experience, many victims repress or fight their natural sex drive. (see Childhood Sexual Abuse)

lack of privacy - living in close quarters with parents or (foster, natural, or step) children. This is more likely to effect women than men.

guilt from (false or genuine) sexual sin - guilt over masturbation, playing doctor, promiscuity, abortion, premarital sex with your spouse, non-marital sex before you met your spouse, viewing pornography, adultery, etc. can make approaching sex very painful. Growing up in a strict anti-sex household can make people feel guilty about normal and natural sexual thoughts and desires. Some even feel guilty about their desire for their spouse. Still others feel guilt over things they want to do with their spouse; things they themselves believe are wrong or "kinky," or believe their spouse would consider weird or sinful.

busyness, stress, anxiety - it takes a certain amount of time and relaxation to make sex work. Always being stressed out or having too much to do will eventually wear out your sex drive.

depression - depression puts the skids on everything in your life, including sex drive.

unforgivingness, deep grief, bitterness, fear, anger, hate - strong negative emotions stealemotional energy from the rest of your life. These emotions don't even have to be directed toward your spouse to have them affect your sex drive.

When lack of sexual desire is grounded in a personal or emotional issue, it is helpful to talk it out. Pray and seek out encouraging folk (your spouse, a friend or counselor)who will help you face and deal with the problem in an atmosphere of safety and understanding.

As the problems are faced and dealt with, the natural sex drive will begin to assert itself (or your natural drive can be more correctly directed toward your spouse). You may need to concentrate on your sexuality for awhile until it feels more natural for you.



RELATIONAL ISSUES

lack of nonsexual intimacy - it's difficult to desire someone that is a stranger to you. Over the long haul of marriage, your sex drive needs something relational to work with (Paul's always saying that the time you spend in nonsexual interaction becomes the building blocks for sexual intimacy).

lack of sexual intimacy, sexual dysfunctions, frustration, disappointment - repeatedly being rebuffed sexually can emotionally, and eventually physically, stall your sex drive. The same can happen for repeated lack of orgasm, impotence, premature ejaculation,retarded ejaculation, or other disappointments in the bedroom.

lack of trust, betrayal, adultery - intimate relationships need a certain level of trust and commitment to operate well. When one spouse has abused the trust of the other, desire for intimacy is diminished.

lack of respect, abuse, manipulation, selfishness - it is extremely difficult to desire intimacy with someone who does not show genuine love or who consistently diminishes your worth and value in some way.

boredom - Most of us wouldn't get excited about eating the same thing everyday for years; sex is no different. Fear about what the other would think can keep these feeling from being expressed, and the boredom just grows.

Relational issues are a bit tougher to resolve as they involve two people, rather than one. But if both people are willing to work at it, difficulties can be resolved. Pray over your marriage. Read good marriage books and implement their advice or visit and learn from a happily married couple. Sometimes it is helpful to seek out a counselor to resolve particularly difficult problems.



PHYSICAL ISSUES

medical conditions - anaemia, high blood pressure, diabetes, multiple sclerosis, and hemochromatosis among others. Undiagnosed thyroid disease is suspected by some doctors to be responsible for a significant number of cases of low sex drive.

medicine, medical treatments and drugs - alcohol, prescription drugs, and street drugs are probably the single most common causes of low sex drive. Chemotherapy, high blood pressure medicine, antidepressants, tranquillisers and other medicines andmedical treatments can affect sex drive. It may be possible to correct much of this by changing medications and/or dosages, so let your doctor know about the problems. Alcoholism is a very common sex drive killer in men.

hormones - a woman's natural hormone cycle gives her periods of greater and lesser sexual desire. Hormones can also affect sexual drive during pregnancy, lactation and at menopause. Low testosterone reduces sex drive in both men and women, but this is actually rare in men.

painful sex - infections, a poorly healed episiotomy, endometriosis, back problems and other conditions can cause sex to be uncomfortable or painful, making sex undesirable.

For health related problems, see your doctor! Change your lifestyle to take care of yourself and get educated about the physical / technical aspects of sexual intimacy (see the TMB Bookstore).

Now, y'all, don't use this list to beat each over the head with. :) Take the time to prayerfully look at what you contribute, both positively and negatively, to your marriage. Then look to see how you can help your spouse with what they bring to it also. Think: prayer, forgiveness, encouragement, creative ideas ...